It was Oct 2005 and I was lost. Not newly lost, not like I had just taken a left where I was supposed to take a right, but really lost, lost for years, 5 years to be exact. I was someone I didn’t recognize and unfortunately someone that I didn’t like. Some things that happened in my life had helped me lose my way or just made it easier not to care for a while. I felt an intense pressure to do SOMETHING important with my life just because I was still alive and I was FAILING and I couldnt deal with that failure when I had a chance that so many didnt especially when they deserved it more. Everything spiraled out of control until I couldnt take it anymore. I knew exactly how I got where I was, it took me almost a twelve pack of budlight and 2 packs of newports a day for 5 years to get there. I was 187 pounds and I couldn’t run a mile, but way worse than both of those facts was the fact that I was sad, horribly sad. Even two years on antidepressants didn’t help me, matter of fact, I think they made me worse. Like I said, I was lost. I didn’t want to be where I was, but I had become so far removed from who I once was that I couldn’t even see THAT person anymore. I didn’t want to be noticed I didn’t want to be seen. I hoped to just be invisible. I lost all confidence at work, in my personal life, and in my sport (equestrian show jumping). I started to withdraw from all of it. Work was slipping, I was in a marriage that only existed because I didn’t want to be alone, and my riding was suffering. I was sick of it!! I was going to change, and I knew I had lots of things to work on to get where I wanted to be. My weight was an issue, but it was more about how I felt about myself, the insignificance and the embarrassment I felt. I knew I had to get it all under control. I knew I had to fix my image of myself to just feel right again. So I made a deal with myself, and I know it sounds funny, but it was all of the things I wanted to change rolled up into one, I promised that I would do whatever it took, to be COMFORTABLE in a bikini by the time I was 35. It was so funny to even imagine, since I hadnt even worn a bikini since I was 22 (8 years before), and even then when I was tiny I was still NEVER comfortable in it. I knew the hard part would be changing my confidence and image. So that was it, that was what I would do, and I started on my road of serious change 3 weeks later. The first 6 months were on a Navy Deployment, so I had tons of time to work out. I lost 40 lbs in those 6 months felt much healthier and I was in better shape, but I was still a long way from where I wanted to be. I followed a super strict diet, did 2 hours a day of cardio and 1 1/2 hours a day of yoga, 6 days a week. My goal was a better self image, and I knew I had to FEEL better first for that to happen. I kept working at it over the next few years. Two summers ago I finally put on a bikini again, even though I wanted to DIE I was so self conscious, I still did it, but with the way I felt I knew I was no where near my goal. I still dont completely understand why I couldnt just feel better about how I look. Fastforward to Feb 2010 and my discovery of CROSSFIT. Just a few months in and I FEEL fantanstic, its just the beginning, if anything can get me mentally where I want to be, its this. I am just a few months from my 35th birthday and I am so close to my goal. I almost feel good in my bikini, which means I am doing the most important thing, fixing my MIND… This is the evolution of me….
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