About Me

It was Oct 2005 and I was lost.  Not newly lost,  not like I had just taken a left where I was supposed to take a right,  but really lost,  lost for years,  5 years to be exact.  I was someone I didn’t recognize and unfortunately someone that I didn’t like.  Some things that happened in my life had helped me lose my way or just made it easier not to care for a while.  I felt an intense pressure to do SOMETHING important with my life just because I was still alive and I was FAILING and I couldnt deal with that failure when I had a chance that so many didnt especially when they deserved it more.  Everything spiraled out of control until I couldnt take it anymore. I knew exactly how I got where I was,  it took me almost a twelve pack of budlight and 2 packs of newports a day for 5 years to get there. I was 187 pounds and I couldn’t run a mile, but way worse than both of those facts was the fact that I was sad, horribly sad.  Even two years on antidepressants didn’t help me,  matter of fact,  I think they made me worse.  Like I said,  I was lost.  I didn’t want to be where I was, but I had become so far removed from who I once was that I couldn’t even see THAT person anymore.    I didn’t want to be noticed I didn’t want to be seen.  I hoped to just be invisible.  I lost all confidence at work, in my personal life, and in my sport (equestrian show jumping).  I started to withdraw from all of it.  Work was slipping, I was in a marriage that only existed because I didn’t want to be alone, and my riding was suffering.  I was sick of it!!  I was going to change,  and I knew I had lots of things to work on to get where I wanted to be.  My weight was an issue, but it was more about how I felt about myself,  the insignificance and the embarrassment I felt.  I knew I had to get it all under control.  I knew I had to fix my image of myself to just feel right again.  So I made a deal with myself, and I know it sounds funny,  but it was all of the things I wanted to change rolled up into one,  I promised that I would do whatever it took,  to be COMFORTABLE in a bikini by the time I was 35.  It was so funny to even imagine,  since I hadnt even worn a bikini since I was 22 (8 years before),  and even then when I was tiny I was still NEVER comfortable in it.  I knew the hard part would be changing my confidence and image. So that was it,  that was what I would do,  and I started on my road of serious change 3 weeks later.  The first 6 months were on a Navy Deployment,  so I had tons of time to work out.  I lost 40 lbs in those 6 months felt much healthier and I was in better shape,  but I was still a long way from where I wanted to be.  I followed a super strict diet,  did 2 hours a day of cardio and 1 1/2 hours a day of yoga,  6 days a week.  My goal was a better self image,  and I knew I had to FEEL better first for that to happen.  I kept working at it over the next few years.  Two summers ago I finally put on a bikini again,  even though I wanted to DIE I was so self conscious,  I still did it, but with the way I felt I knew I was no where near my goal.  I still dont completely understand why I couldnt just feel better about how I look.  Fastforward to Feb 2010 and my discovery of CROSSFIT.  Just a few months in and I FEEL fantanstic,  its just the beginning,  if anything can get me mentally where I want to be,  its this.  I am just a few months from my 35th birthday and I am so close to my goal.  I almost feel good in my bikini,  which means I am doing the most important thing,  fixing my MIND…  This is the evolution of me….